Every year on Father’s Day I find myself reflecting on what it means to be a father. Like many of the most difficult things in life, fatherhood does not come with a handbook. There are no clear directions provided for how to be a great father. Since there is no blueprint to follow, men are left with one of two choices; do what your dad did or try to figure it out on your own.
Most of us are still searching to unlock the true meaning of being a father. I know I’m not the only one taking time to think about this as I have many of my male clients bringing up the same questions. The following are some of the most popular:
How can I provide the most value to my family?
What should my top priority be, making money or being present with my family?
Am I spending enough time with my kids?
Am I engaged in the way my family needs me to be?
Can I possibly put in enough time in all the different areas of life to be successful at each?
The answers to these questions depends on your viewpoint. I will outline the old standard view of fatherhood, and then make the case for an updated definition that leaves fathers with a new way of looking at the most important job of their lives.
Putting an Old Myth to Rest (Financially Successful but Disconnected)
Most men are raised with the belief that you can either be successful in your career or closely connected to your wife and kids. This was and is thought of as strictly an either-or proposition. Even today, most men are socialized to value making a “successful” income over being connected in their relationships.
One of the largest issues with this old view is that many women have changed their expectations and their men have yet to catch up. Men are often left very confused by the treatment of their unhappy women. These women are almost never upset with their husband for not providing financially and are almost always angry with the lack of connection and time their man is spending with them and with the kids.
Finding a New Path (Relationally Successful)
The issue really starts with looking at and re-evaluating one’s value system. While most men are still expected to provide an income (and many the only income) for the family, their value as a father goes far beyond this narrow scope.
Men must begin to see themselves as having an equal amount of relational value as their wives. Why must the woman be solely in charge of the children’s relational education? If this is happening, the children are losing out as they would gain so much to see their fathers as more relational beings.
The True Value of an Engaged Father
The true value of what men can bring to the table for their children is to be seen and experienced as an engaged father. This means a father that prioritizes and follows through with the following:
- Spends adequate time with the family- spending quality time being physically and emotionally engaged with the kids.
- Shows his children an honest/vulnerable side- teaching and modeling a man who knows when to be soft and who makes the relational decision, even if it comes attached with more time and effort.
- Engages in his children’s lives- knowing your child’s best friends at school, their favorite new stuffed animal, and their most newly developed fear.
- Accepts himself and others for who they are- showing your child by example that you are accepting of yourself (and others) despite your own flaws and reminding them that they can do the same.
By embracing a new value system that places just as much emphasis on your capacity to build healthy relationships and bring home a healthy salary, you can show your children a more whole and developed role model. There is no way to overstate the positive impact that this will have on your children and your marriage. By breaking down the old ways we used to look at fatherhood, we can move toward building a more engaged, connected, and happy family.
Our Specialty
If you would like help learning how to live a more relational life and becoming the father you wish you had, please don’t hesitate to contact Douglas Counseling. One of our specialties is helping men to live more well-rounded and relational lives.
Douglas Counseling can be reached at (561) 207-1903 or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
