Your partner seems to have one foot out the door, but you really want to work on saving the relationship. You try to convince them to try couples counseling, but they aren’t willing to attend. The marriage you’ve worked so hard to build feels like its slipping away and you don’t know what to do. This situation is exactly what Discernment Counseling was developed for.
If you’re looking for Discernment Counseling in Oregon or wondering whether this short-term approach could help you find clarity, you’re not alone.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment Counseling is a short-term form of therapy designed for “mixed agenda” couples. Mixed agenda couples have one partner who is leaning-out and unsure about making the effort to reconcile, and a partner who is leaning-in and willing to improve the relationship. Discernment Counseling is aimed at helping each partner develop clarity and confidence in making a choice about the direction of their relationship.
Keep in mind that Discernment Counseling is not couples counseling.
The goal for Discernment Counseling is to gain clarity and confidence in deciding on a direction for the relationship. You will not be focused on improving the relationship just yet. This is important as many leaning-out partners aren’t ready or willing to attend couples counseling. Many couples who aren’t sure about their direction start couples counseling and receive no benefit, simply because they are not ready and motivated to do work to improve the relationship. This is why Discernment Counseling is a better option for couples unsure on their direction.
Discernment Counseling Offers 3 Paths
Path 1: Keep the Status Quo: This path would mean the couple decides to make no real changes to their current dynamic or relationship. A couple choosing this path is simply staying the current course and may not be ready to make substantial changes.
Path 2: Separation and Divorce: This path means that the couple has made the difficult decision to move towards splitting up and ending their romantic relationship. Couples choosing this path believe that substantial changes are not possible and or very unlikely and feel that ending their relationship is the best course of action.
Path 3: An All-Out Attempt to Repair and Reconcile: This path is chosen when couples are willing to make a good-faith attempt at working on their relationship to improve it and stay together. This choice includes each partner making a real and sustained effort to change their actions and ultimately their relationship in a way that works for both people.
How Discernment Counseling Works
Discernment Counseling sessions are designed for you and your partner to meet with your therapist together and individually. An entire course of Discernment Counseling is limited to 5 sessions. Sessions are 90 minutes long which provides enough time for meeting as a couple and individually.
Your individual time with the therapist will be spent looking at your view of the relationship. Your therapist will ask specific questions to the leaning-out partner designed to explore the reasons they are leaning towards ending the relationship. The leaning-in partner will also be asked questions to learn more about the many reasons they hope to move towards reconciliation.
Each partner will outline their view as to why things aren’t working well, what they believe their partner has contributed, and what they believe their own contribution has been. After each partner meets individually you will come together to share your thoughts, insights, and new understandings. You will also decide whether to attend another discernment counseling session.
Moving Towards a Decision
The goal for each Discernment Counseling session is moving the couple closer to clarity and confidence in deciding on the direction of their relationship. Your therapist will help you make sense of what has been uncovered during each session and ask you about progress towards feeling confident about picking a path.
Once the couple has picked a path the process of Discernment Counseling is finished.
If the couple decides to choose path 3 and seeks to reconcile and improve their relationship couples counseling will be the next step. Your therapist will make recommendations about attending couples counseling and give you an idea of what that process will look like.
Next Steps
Deciding on the direction of your relationship is one of the biggest decisions of your life. You don’t have to make a quick or uninformed decision, and you don’t have to do it alone. If you believe that Discernment Counseling could be a good fit for you, please give us a call at (503) 388-6611 or visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com. You can speak with our staff and see if Discernment Counseling is right for you. You can also set up a free 15-minute consultation with one of our counselors to learn more about how they can help.
