By: Greg Douglas, LPC
Self-Awareness is essentially knowing your own experience. Most of us fail to recognize our own experience which leaves us to focus on being critical of our partner and their actions. Learning about your own inner experience allows you the ability to speak up and have a voice, yet keep things focused on yourself. This skill is immensely important because to give good feedback, you need to speak up from the ‘I’ position.
There are 3 components to having solid self-awareness and they are knowing your thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Thoughts
To learn more about your thoughts you would ask yourself questions like:
- What do I believe about this situation?
- What is the story I make up about this?
- How am I making sense of this?
Knowing your thoughts is crucial because this is where everything starts. How you think about something determines your feelings and actions.
Feelings
To understand your feelings as yourself questions like:
- What emotions came up for me when thinking about that situation?
- Is there something underneath the secondary emotions like anger, frustration, or annoyance?
- Which of the following primary emotions apply to how I feel now? Sad, glad, ashamed, afraid, disappointed, hurt, lonely, etc.
Understanding and then sharing your feelings is a crucial step in letting your partner know about what’s happening inside of you, which of course they can’t see on the outside.
Needs
To focus more on needs ask yourself questions like:
- What would I need from my partner to feel better about this?
- What would I want moving forward in similar situations?
- Is there anything my partner could do to help me feel more loved, cared for, supported, and connected?
Gaining clarity on your needs allows you to speak out from a different place much more focused on what you want to feel better rather than focused on what your partner did wrong.
Once you have a good feel for your thoughts, feelings, and needs you’re much more prepared to have a productive conversation with your partner.
Need more Help?
If you or someone you know has had difficulty speaking up in a productive way please pass this article along to them. If you are interested in learning more about couples counseling please contact Douglas Counseling by visiting the website at www.DouglasCounseling.com or by phone at (503) 388-6611.
