By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
Do you and your partner argue too much? Do you go back and forth for hours or even days without getting anything resolved or moving forward? Are these arguments surrounding the same old issues? If so, you’re not alone. Many, if not most, of the couples I work with report similar experiences when it comes to arguments.
Arguments are not always a bad thing, and even the healthiest of relationships can expect to encounter their fair share of disagreements. The purpose of this article is not to show how to avoid arguments, as doing this will lead to a whole other set of problems. My goal is to show you how Couples Counseling can help you successfully navigate through these delicate situations. Once you have mastered a new skill set can start to feel heard, understood, more connected to your partner.
My top three strategies to end harmful arguments are:
- Change the goal of the conversation
- Ask questions and define differences
- Develop new solutions and plans to try them out
Many of the couples I work with often report that their partner “just doesn’t understand” or “can’t see where I’m coming from.” This is typical as most of us seek to make our point about where we stand and attempt to ‘make’ our partner see our position. Often we try to have our partner acknowledge that our position is correct and have little patience to attempt to see things from another perspective. Making our partner understand our position and having them come over to our way of thinking is usually the goal. This way of doing things will never work!
To have a chance of moving past an argument we must change the goal for the conversation. Our new goal needs to be 1. seeking to understand our partner’s position, thoughts, and experience.
By seeking to understand our partner’s experience we do many positive things which include:
- Showing we care about their position
- Lessening defensiveness
- Exiting the pattern of criticizing and blaming
- Showing that we are open and willing to see things in a new light
- Give hope to finding a solution
We can start this process by allowing our partner to speak about their perspective first. This starts to deflate the heightened intensity that usually comes with trying to voice our side first. By allowing our partner to report on their experience we begin to create a sense of safety within the relationship. This sense of safety will allow for more honesty and openness. Once a sense of safety has been established, we’re ready to move on to the next step.
The second strategy is a two-pronged approach that involves us 2. asking questions and defining differences. Being able to ask our partner questions shows that we’re engaged and actually listening to what they’re saying. We’re also being responsive by seeking to understand our partner in a deeper and more authentic way. Once again, we are seeking to break the normal patterns that lead to feeling defensive and end up causing disconnection. By asking questions to get more information we are telling our partner that we care about them and want to know more about their experience.
Once we’ve asked questions and are more aware of where our partner stands on the issue we can better articulate where our differences lie. Take the time to uncover how you each see things differently in a non-judgmental way. Having differences is not an issue, and in fact is part of being in any relationship. The key comes in how you approach the differences. Showing that you can see your partner’s perspective is important and being able to articulate how your view differs is critical in coming to a resolution. By remaining calm and seeking to respond out of a rational and logical place you’ll give yourself the best chance to connect. We want to try to avoid reacting out of emotions and impulse, which usually shuts down any chance to move forward.
So, if you have (1) successfully changed the goal of the conversation and have (2) spent time asking questions and defining differences you are ready for the third and final key, (3) developing new solutions and making plans to try them out.
If you’ve ever been stuck in a negative pattern of constant arguing (and really, who hasn’t) you know that very little time is spent collaborating on new solutions. We often dig in our heels and stick by our positions so that nothing moves forward (think Congress in recent years). This is no way to do things if you hope to have a successful partnership. Being a team means that both partners have a say in how decisions are made and both partners must be willing to take part in this process. Begin to develop new solutions by seeing the same old argument from a new perspective.
For example: Let’s say a couple has constantly argued over financial issues and have disagreed on how to spend or save money. Can you begin to see this issue from your partner’s perspective? Maybe you always thought that your partner was frivolous with money and didn’t appreciate how hard it is to make a living. You became critical and defensive because you felt they were devaluing your time and efforts. Now you can begin to see that they have been appreciative all along, but felt guilty for not carrying their weight financially and simply spent money in an attempt to feel better about themselves. Maybe you come up with a possible solution of setting a monthly budget for “fun money” or designate a certain amount to be spent by each partner that you’re both comfortable with. By developing a deeper understanding of why your partner feels the way they do you can start to make changes that allow for deeper connection instead of surface level anger and frustration.
if you find yourself engaged in the frustrating pattern of consistent arguments that seem to have no resolution, please try these techniques I outlined. As always, help from an experienced professional is recommended and almost always leads to better and quicker positive outcomes. For more information on how Couples Counseling can help your relationship contact Douglas Counseling at (503) 388-6611 or visit www.DouglasCounseling.com for more information.
