By: Greg Douglas, LPC, LMHC
Is sex only meaningful when it’s spontaneous? Can scheduled sex still be authentic?
In my years as a couples therapist, I’ve heard this debate quite a few times. Some partners think that sex should be as spontaneous as possible. These people often go so far as to discount sex when not purely spontaneous.
Others believe that spontaneous sex is only for the movies. This crowd takes a more pragmatic approach and advocates for scheduled sex, so they get a chance to prepare themselves to be intimate.
Who’s right in this age-old debate? Read on for my thoughts on this tricky subject.
Spontaneous Sex is Great, Is It Realistic?
I’ll be very honest, most of my clients advocating for spontaneous sex are male. Right or wrong, wanting sex to be a free-flowing instinctive act is a position taken up mostly by men. In my experience men have a vision of sex that mirrors the image Hollywood portrays.
It’s also true that most men are turned on by seeing their partner be turned on by them. This happens for sure, but it doesn’t happen very often for most couples. Women are rarely turned on when they see their partner aroused. Most women need much more than an aroused partner to put themselves in the mood.
While spontaneous sex is great, I don’t think we can expect this type of sex to be the staple of our erotic diet. Should we still hope for spontaneous sex once in a while? Sure, I think so. Unplanned erotic connection can be great when it shows up. I’d just warn you to see the limitations of in-the-moment sex and begin to wrap your head around a more realistic model.
Scheduled Sex is Mature, Is It too Boring?
If we plan sex, doesn’t that mean we’re just going through the motions? More than a few clients have posed this question. They have a hard time believing that scheduled sex can still be good sex. I’m here to tell you it can, as long as you use a healthy approach.
Most of my clients pushing for scheduled sex are women. This fact might not surprise you, but the reasons why could be enlightening. Most men know that their female partners must “be in the mood” but many fail to understand what this really means. Being in the mood for most women means they are freed up to be in touch with themselves. If they’re thinking about what chores still need to get done or what the family schedule looks like for tomorrow don’t hold out hope for spontaneous sex, it’s just not going to happen.
Another huge factor that women face is feeling good enough about themselves physically. If these women feel tired, boated, or “feel fat” they won’t be in touch with their erotic selves and will avoid sex.
Scheduling sex serves as a great way for people to prepare themselves to be “in the mood.” If you know you are going to be intimate that night, you can make sure the chores are done, avoid heavy foods and alcohol that lead to boating, and can get some rest during the day. Doing these things gives the person a better shot at being in the mood and likely improves the quality of sex that comes later.
Guys, think about it this way. Is watching sports or playing golf only fulfilling when done spontaneously? Of course not! We make plans and schedule these events sometimes weeks or months in advance and still manage to enjoy ourselves thoroughly. But how can we enjoy these scheduled events so much? It’s all in the mindset. Building anticipation for the big game or guy’s trip helps us to enjoy the moment even more. Why does sex have to be any different?
So, Which Is Best?
For most couples I’d have you shoot not just for one or the other, but some combination of both. A realistic expectation might be somewhere in the range of scheduling sex around 80% of the time and hoping for spontaneous sex 20% or less. While this may not be the sexiest advice around, I think it’s the way to go for most couples.
If you’ve been advocating for spontaneous sex, don’t be discouraged. The key to improving your sex life very well may be changing your mindset and opening-up the possibilities that scheduled sex could be better sex.
If you’ve been struggling with your relationship or sex-life don’t hesitate to reach out. Douglas Counseling specializes in helping individuals and couples rebuild their relationships into satisfying partnerships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (503) 388-6611 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
