By Greg Douglas, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Specializing in couples therapy, intimacy challenges, and relationship repair
15+ years helping individuals and couples navigate disconnection and rebuild closeness
It’s a question many people quietly ask themselves, often with a mix of confusion, frustration, and even shame: “Am I in a sexless marriage?” While the term gets used frequently, it isn’t always clearly defined, and more importantly, it can mean different things to different couples.
What Is a “Sexless Marriage”?
In research and popular discussion, a “sexless marriage” is often defined as a relationship in which a couple has sexual intimacy fewer than 10 times per year. That benchmark can be helpful as a general guideline, but it tells only a part of the story.
For some couples, a lower frequency of sex may feel perfectly satisfying and aligned with their needs. For others, even a moderate decline in intimacy can feel like a significant loss. So rather than focusing solely on numbers, it’s often more useful to consider a question like:
Is the current level of physical intimacy meeting the emotional and relational needs of both partners?
If the answer is no, and one or both partners feel disconnected, rejected, lonely, or resentful—then the relationship may be experiencing what feels like a sexless marriage, regardless of the exact frequency.
Why Do Marriages Become Sexless?
A decrease in sexual intimacy rarely has a single cause. More often, it reflects a combination of factors that build over time. Some of the most common include:
- Stress and fatigue: Work, parenting, and daily responsibilities often leave little energy for intimacy.
- Emotional disconnection: Unresolved conflict, unmet relational needs, resentment, or lack of communication can erode desire.
- Differences in libido: It’s very common for partners to have mismatched levels of sexual desire.
- Medical or mental health concerns: Depression, anxiety, hormonal changes, and certain medications can all impact sexual functioning.
- Life transitions: Pregnancy, postpartum changes, aging, and major life events can shift how partners relate physically.
In my experience as a couples therapist sex doesn’t just stop but gradually gets whittled away after months and years of competing needs like the ones mentioned above. Couples often use so much of their time and energy on getting tasks done at work, taking care of children, and keeping the household running they have little left over for intimacy and sex.
Understanding the “why” behind the change is an important first step for couples to take. Without that clarity, couples may misinterpret the situation seeing it as rejection or lack of love rather than a signal that something deeper needs attention.
The Impact of a Sexless Marriage
For many couples, the lack of or absence of sexual intimacy can create a ripple effect across the relationship. It may lead to:
- Feelings of rejection or inadequacy
- Increased tension or conflict
- Emotional distance
- A sense of loneliness, even within the partnership
At the same time, it’s important to recognize that sex is only one part of a relationship. Some couples maintain strong emotional bonds despite limited physical intimacy. Others find that the lack of sexual connection gradually weakens other areas of the relationship as well.
One pattern I see often is a couple with young children, usually under the age of 5. Couples caring for small children often fall into a trap that leaves women feeling “touched out” due to large amounts of hands-on childcare. Their male partners then feel neglected and undesired due to the woman’s focus on the kids and sense of feeling needed by everyone.
What Can Couples Do?
If you’re asking whether you’re in a sexless marriage, you’re already taking an important step: you’re paying attention. From here, the focus shifts to how you and your partner respond.
1. Start with Honest, Compassionate Communication
Talking about sex can feel vulnerable, especially if there has been distance or hurt. Try to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than blame.
Instead of:
- “You never want to have sex anymore,”
Consider:
- “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about that?”
The goal is not to assign fault, but to create a shared understanding of what each partner is experiencing. You’ll find that expressing your own thoughts and feelings goes much further than complaining about your partner’s actions.
2. Lead with Kindness and Empathy
It’s easy for couples to fall into patterns of criticism or defensiveness around this topic. Slowing down and acknowledging each other’s feelings can shift the tone significantly.
Ask questions like:
- “What has our level of intimacy been like for you lately?”
- “Are there things that have made it harder to feel close?”
When partners feel heard and understood, they are more likely to engage in meaningful change. The goal is to position the conversation as a shared problem the couple can take on together. Taking a curious stance and asking thoughtful questions can allow for a more engaged and productive conversation.
3. Revisit the Importance of Sexual Intimacy
For many couples, sex is more than a physical act, it’s a way of expressing affection, maintaining connection, feeling loved, and reinforcing the bond between partners.
This doesn’t mean there is a “correct” amount of sex every couple should have. Instead, it’s about recognizing what role intimacy plays in your relationship and whether that need is being met. Each couple must explore the role they want sex and intimacy to play in their relationship and continue to revisit this as needed.
An exercise I often have couples do in my therapy office is asking them to visualize what feels like a healthy sexual relationship. What does that relationship look like? What roles is sex playing in the relationship? What is their partner doing to create an environment more conducive for sex and intimacy? Questions like this can get couples on the path towards new actions.
4. Address Underlying Factors
If there are stressors, health concerns, or unresolved conflicts contributing to the issue, those deserve attention. Sometimes improving emotional connection or reducing stress naturally leads to renewed physical intimacy. Often the reasons for low desire have little to do with the level of attraction one feels for their partner. Weeding out possible medical issues, limiting stressors, and improving physical fitness can spark renewed interest in sex.
In other cases, it may be helpful to consult with a healthcare provider or a licensed therapist who specializes in relationships or sexual health.
5. Create Shared Agreements
Rather than hoping things will change on their own, couples benefit from setting intentional, realistic goals together.
This might include:
- Making regular time for connection (not just sex, but closeness)
- Exploring different forms of physical affection
- Agreeing to check in regularly about how each partner is feeling
- Scheduling a weekly “sex date” to make space of intimacy
The emphasis should be on collaboration, not pressure.
I recently worked with a couple that agreed to set aside time each Friday night just to reconnect with each other. The couple agreed to focus initially on affection, conversation, and emotional intimacy. Within a month the couple reported feeling “back on track” with their sex life.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you start to notice a pattern of conflict and disconnection around your attempts to talk about sex, it is likely time to reach out for help. Many couples become trapped in harmful cycles surrounding sex and it only leads to further disconnection. If you have made several good-faith attempts to address the issue and have only gotten defensive or become stuck, reaching out for professional help can be your next best option.
We often find ways to self-protect when challenging issues come up and sex is often at the top of the list for emotionally heavy topics. Most of us never learned how to talk about sex period, and those of us that have tried still don’t know how to approach it in a healthy way. There is no shame in reaching out for help, especially when it could make all the difference.
Frequently Asked Questions:
If my partner and I are not having sex does that mean our attraction to each other is gone forever?
Our level of attraction to our partner has multiple factors, many of which have more to do with how we feel about ourselves than how we feel about our partner. Increasing your level of attraction is something that can be worked on consciously with an experienced therapist.
Every time I bring up my unhappiness around sex it causes a fight with my partner. Should I just stop talking about it and accept a sexless marriage?
If you can truly reach a place of acceptance with a sexless marriage it is okay to not address it. The issue is that most of us can’t truly accept the lack of a sexual relationship. I encourage my clients to bring up the issue in a thoughtful and curious way as it gives you the best chance of success.
I think my partner has had sexual trauma in their past. I know this is impacting our sex life but I feel bad about asking them to engage if it only stirs up past hurts. What should I do?
Unfortunately many people have been impacted by sexual trauma. See your role as a supportive teammate that can help your partner heal from past wounds. Be encouraging about finding a therapist to work with, offer to go along and be a part of their work, and seek to create a healthy and safe environment for healing. Having a history of sexual trauma doesn’t mean you and your partner can’t have a healthy sex life.
Moving Forward
A sexless marriage is not necessarily a permanent condition, nor does it mean a relationship is beyond repair. Often, it’s a signal that something within the partnership needs attention, care, and understanding.
By approaching the issue with honesty, kindness, and a willingness to work together, many couples find that they can not only restore intimacy but deepen their overall connection.
If you’re struggling with this in your relationship, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Support from a licensed couples therapist can provide a safe space to explore what’s happening and help you move toward a more connected and fulfilling partnership.
If you would like help from a trained professional in navigating the level of intimacy in your relationship please reach out to Douglas Counseling online at www.DouglasCounseling.com or give us a call at (503) 388-6611.
