By: Greg Douglas, LMHC
What do you do when your needs are not being met in your relationship?
I would bet good money that when things are not going well you use at least one (if not more) of the following 5 losing strategies.
- Needing to be Right
- Controlling Your Partner
- Unbridled Self-Expression
- Retaliation
- Withdrawal
#1: Needing to be Right
This one I see on a daily basis in my practice. Each partner jockeys for position to make their argument on an issue. The more partner A tries to prove that he is right, the more partner B pushes back insisting that in fact she is correct. This never works out and only leads to disconnection.
A simple quote from author Terry Real I use to remember this is “objective reality has no place in intimate relationships.” The real goal in relationships is to be connected and to be happy, not to be right.
The Fix
If you can come to believe that your partner’s view on an issue is simply their perception, you will find it easier to accept. Keep in mind that we all create our own reality, and just because your reality is different than mine, it doesn’t mean either of us is wrong.
#2: Controlling Your Partner
Most of us don’t even realize when we are attempting to control our partner, but we most definitely are! If you have ever stated any of the following phrases, you are guilty of attempting to control.
“I could finally be happy if you’d….”
“You know, if you really loved me you would….”
“What you really need to do is….”
Men tend to use a more direct approach when seeking to control such as the use of anger and frustration. Women often go for a more indirect approach that includes the use of manipulation. Neither approach will work, and each will actually serve to get you less of what you really want.
The Fix
We have to be aware of where our control ends, and the other person begins. I do believe that we have a certain level of influence on our partner’s behavior, but no outright control. The sooner you can accept the limits of your control the happier (and less conflict laden) your relationship will be.
#3: Unbridled Self-Expression
Have you ever said something to your partner you wish you could take back? Have you ever called them a name, shamed them, yelled at them, or vented the first thought that came to your mind? If you have, you have used the losing strategy of unbridled self-expression.
We often feel the need to “keep it real” with our partner and let them know precisely how we see them screwing up. Beware, if you take this approach you are only setting yourself up for more failure.
The Fix
Instead of speaking out about our partner’s shortcomings and airing grievances, we need to take ownership of our experience. Instead of slamming our partner for their bad behavior we need to let them know just how much of an impact we felt. By owning our experience, we can bypass the need to “call them out” or “set them straight” and find a path to more harmony and connection.
#4: Retaliation
“You just can’t tell the truth, can you?” says an upset and fearful wife.
“Well you wouldn’t know the truth if it smacked you in the face, because you won’t believe anything I say!” says the irritated husband.
This is an example of retaliation at it’s finest. You offer up a complaint about me and I will offer another one up about you. We go tit-for-tat hurdling towards an escalating fight, each further injuring the other along the way. Obviously, this strategy never works, and I don’t often say never, but it rings true for retaliation.
The Fix
Instead of retaliating we need to look at our partner’s complaint with an observant eye. Ask yourself these questions: “Could they have a point?” “What part of their message seems true to me?” If you look hard enough you will find that your partner is in-fact not crazy, and they probably have a legitimate issue that needs your attention. The sure-fire way to avoid retaliation is to look for what you can agree on, rather than what you don’t.
#5: Withdrawal
When we have tried our best to get what we want, but have come up empty, our final losing strategy is often withdrawal. The more one partner tries to get the other to open up, the more their partner pushes back and withdraws. The idea behind withdrawal is often to self-protect. The thinking goes like this: “You can’t hurt me if I put up walls and distance between us.”
This distance often takes the form of emotional distance where a couple lives side-by-side, but they couldn’t be further apart. Some partners opt for physically withdrawing from the relationship by spending exorbitant amounts of time at work, with friends, and budding hobbies.
You need to know that withdrawal often serves as the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The hardest pattern I have found to work with is when both partners have taken up a stance of withdrawal.
The Fix
The antidote to withdrawal is engagement. If you find yourself withdrawing from your partner, ask yourself why. Make sure to find ways of engaging like starting up conversations, addressing any concerns in the relationship, and showing a genuine interest in your partner’s life. The more engaged you become the more your partner begins to feel safe and secure.
Which of the Losing Strategies do You Use?
While it is normal to fall victim occasionally to using these losing strategies, if you find yourself slipping into a pattern of using them, you need help. Most couples do not have the knowledge or skills to get out of these traps on their own.
The best thing you can do for your relationship is have a heartfelt talk with your partner and let them know you care too much about the relationship to keep harming each other. Find a relationship therapist that specializes in teaching couples how to communicate and put in the work to improve your relationship.
Reaching Out for Help
If you would like professional help to improve your communication, Douglas Counseling is here for you. Douglas Counseling specializes in helping couples get unstuck from their negative patterns and work towards achieving safety and satisfaction in their relationships. If you would like more information or would like to schedule a free consultation, please call (503) 388-6611 and visit us online at www.DouglasCounseling.com.
*The 5 Losing Strategies in Relationships is derived from author and clinician Terry Real and his book The New Rules of Marriage, What You Need to Know to Make Love Work.
